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Sunday, 21 December 2008

  • Currently
    Phenomenon
    By Thousand Foot Krutch
    Phenomenon
    see related

    [untitled]

    I'm really starting to get sick of all this. I don't understand it. My life's going great, I'm on top of the fucking world... and then bang, I've fallen off. I can't seem to stay on for longer than a couple hours, maybe a day at most. There's always someone or something looking to push me off. It feels as if the whole world's set me up to fail sometimes.

    I guess to most, that sounds a little bit drastic. And sure, I can give you that one. But then again, most of you don't know how I operate. These are the terms my mind puts things into. A little issue to others becomes the problem of the universe to me. Is that a good thing? Absolutely not. But I don't know how to fix it.

    See, this is a recurring problem. When life hands me lemons, I smash them up and throw them at people and squeeze juice in their eyes - so to speak. I have a lot of problems dealing with stress and issues. My mom blames hormones; I say she's a dumbass. I don't think she can accept that I might not be her perfect child.

    And my dad? Fuck only knows what he has to say about it. For Christ's sake, it took him nearly 20 minutes and me pointing it out for him to notice that I'd gotten a pretty major haircut. So needless to say, he hasn't got a goddamned clue what's going on in my life.

    So what's today's issue? Eh, nothing special. I haven't talked to my best friend since Thursday when I simply ignored her, and my boyfriend is seemingly avoiding me because I had an old friend over that I've known since I was 5. He said he was jealous... I really don't wanna go through this again. I hope I didn't hurt him, and that he can realize that Garrett is the last person on the face of the Earth that he should be jealous of.

    Now of course, the song has to come on that makes me think of him. He told me to call him in 15 minutes at about 2:15 this afternoon. I've called him twice and txted him about 5 times. Current time: 7:14 PM. I don't know what to make of this.

    I guess he could just be sleeping or something... seriously, I don't think he's still mad about this whole issue. I understand not talking for 30 minutes, an hour maybe, but 5? That's pushing it a little. Especially because I told him he was worrying me... he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. He can't physically do that.

    So once again, I've led myself to the conclusion that I'm overreacting and worrying about absolutely nothing. But that's not gonna stop me from thinking about it. I've told myself a thousand times today not to worry, and you know what? It's damn near impossible. All of my problems enter my head every two seconds and I don't know how to make them go away.

    My band director tells me time and time again to take each problem and put it in a sort of mental box, separate from every other problem, and push it to the back of my mind. In theory, that's a great plan. Except my boxes won't stay closed. Everything spills out and forms this little puddle on my conscience that won't let me think properly. I guess I need some sort of mental duct tape.

    Eh... I guess I'm seeing things a little more clearly now. Actually, it's because the issues are spilling out again. I see what's going on. I'm jealous of Angela and Joe, because she talks to him constantly and requests his help while ignoring mine and gives him those looks... and I dealt with it by ignoring her instead of talking it out. Joe's jealous of me and Garrett, so instead of talking to me, he's gonna do the same thing as I'm doing to Angela. He's gonna ignore me.

    Well, okay, I can't be sure that's what's going on - in fact, I highly doubt it now that I think about it - but still, it makes perfect sense when you think about it. I guess that's just how I'm doomed to interpret it.

    He hasn't slept since Friday night... I'm almost positive he's just sleeping.

    So then why won't my calls wake him up?

    This is rather distressing.

    He wouldn't ignore me on purpose... he knows I'm prone to anxiety and/or panic attacks, and this whole issue is starting to set one off. Maybe that's another part of his plan... to see what gets me going. He's been trying to help me figure that out for quite some time.

    Fuck. Here I go again, over thinking it. Over thinking everything. God fucking dammit.

    I want to go shovel snow. There's like 2 feet of it outside and I wanna go do something with it. Besides, I'd be making my dad look even more useless. That's always a positive.

    Man, I'm such a terrible person.

    Ah, fuck, here we go again.

    Ever get the feeling that you could just kill something? Someone?

    No? Good. You don't want to.

    Know why? It's the scariest fucking thing you'll ever experience.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

  • Currently
    This War Is Ours
    By Escape the Fate
    The Flood
    see related

    Entertainment

    I'm sick of constantly coming to the conclusion that I have no life. Seriously, this whole thing's getting kind of old. I really just sat here, on Xanga, updating my theme and my pictures and whatnot for about an hour. I have no homework, and honestly no responsibilities at this given moment. My mom actually told me to play more video games! But am I? No. And that's what's bothering me.

    Actually, I'm not even listening to music right now. I need to fix that. It was so quiet in my basement, my dumbass father came downstairs to see if I was even still home. It's not like I have a life or anything... where would I really be?

    I don't want to get up to play Rock Band for the sole reason that I'm freezing. The heat's on down here, but I'm still in a blanket shivering. My mom says it's an iron deficiency - I really don't get to eat all that often, or all that well anymore. I think I'm really sending my body through about a thousand loops this school year. Sometimes not even my conscious mind knows what's going on.

    In other exciting news, the Twilight movie comes out tomorrow. I'm going at some point to see it, maybe with some people other than Joe. I wish I had more of a connection with the outside world... maybe I'd have the opportunity to make plans once in awhile.

    I'm more than grateful that it's Friday tomorrow. That means no rifle after school. I love days where I'm not stuck at school from 7 am to 6 pm. I love the sport but honestly, it takes away from the hours in the day. It's not that I'm rushing out to hang with friends or anything, oh no. I'm rushing out so I can finish all my homework before midnight. It's junior year, the important year, and all my teachers seem to doom me to a community college. Okay, that was exaggeration, but still. It gets the point across.

    Saturday is going to be an interesting day as well. From 8:30 am to 1 pm I have a very extended band rehearsal, and then a concert on Saturday night. Most of the younger kids aren't used to playing more than 30 minutes in a row... this is going to be good. Not to mention Mr. A. has invited Joe to play in the concert... and he's only been playing the flute for a couple months. Well, okay, if you count 4th and 5th grade or whatever, but recently, only a couple months. Yeah, he wants to kill himself. Tonight's chore is to help him learn his music. Yay us.

    At least I have something to look forward to in my life. Joe's family is taking me on my first ever snowboarding excursion when they decide to go. Somehow, some way, my mom actually said it was alright. She just told Joe I had to be back home in one piece. That's a fair deal, I'd say.

    Jetzt ist die Zeit für Video Spielen. Ich muss Rock Band 2 spielen, weil meine Mutter nicht froh mit mir ist. Sie hat, dass ich meine Video Spielen spielen mussen gesagt. Ich hab kein Problem mit was sie gesagt hat. =)

    Yay for German. I'm sure you don't care what I just said... but feel free to translate if you really feel the need to do so.

    Later. =P

Monday, 17 November 2008

  • Currently
    Toxicity
    By System of a Down
    Chop Suey!
    see related

    Back Yet Again.

    The fact that I have homework I should be doing really isn't deterring me from posting anyway. There's some things I have to get out to someone (or something) that's not going to interject or talk back. At least, not to an immediate vocal extent.

    I guess I can say I've had some revelations lately.

    It all started today, sitting on the porch after rifle practice, enjoying the crisp night air. I was watching a snowflake fall every few seconds, and generally loving my peace and quiet. Then, it hit me. Everything I've been trying to figure out for weeks just came to me at once. Here's what I figured:

    1. I don't need anybody. Okay, that seems kind of emo, I understand that. But in all honesty, it's true. I really didn't get into a fight with my best friend this weekend, per se, but some things happened at Capital that I'd rather not get into. I'm really not speaking with her right now, and neither of us feel the need to really change that. The more I thought about it, the less upset I actually was. We've had some amazing times, and we always said we'd stay best friends forever, but I guess things can change.
    Telling me a couple months ago that I wouldn't be talking to Angela would have earned you a laugh and ignorance. The more I thought I'd miss her today, the more I realized I was wrong. It's not the end of the world. Sure, I could tell her anything and talk to her more openly than with pretty much anyone else. But I don't need people to survive. Quite honestly, sometimes they only serve as distractions.
    Now don't get me wrong, I have a boyfriend and I love him very much. He's my sanity and my saving grace. If it wasn't for him, I don't think I'd be here right now, and I'm really not joking. He's one person I plan to keep around as long as physically possible. I'm not really trying to shut everyone in the world off, but seriously, I don't need people to survive. I'm okay with having less. I've got Joe, my concert friends, my rifle team, and the "other group" (Megan, Sarah, Christie, etc). That's perfectly fine with me.

    2. I don't hate my mother. This is something I've been falsely struggling with. Too often, I decide that she's my least favorite person in the world; that she's a bitch; that she's totally unfair; and so on. Truth be told, she can be rather irrational and I think even she can agree to that one. All in all, she's quite an amazing person. She really looks out for me, and she's only concerned for my safety when she gives me "stupid" restrictions. She always tells me I never take her advice, and I know I really should. More often than not, she's right with everything she says.
    I know I don't treat her anywhere near as well as I should, and I think it took Mr. A. to tell me that one on the way to Capital on Thursday. He said, and I quote, "I really hope my son shows more respect for me than any of you do for your parents." We joked about it in the car, but it really did make me think. I don't give her any respect, and in all honesty, she deserves more than anyone else in my life.

    3. I don't like my father. I've decided that this idea is more than an irrational thought. He's lazy, he's rude, and he's pretty much useless. Okay, so he works, but consistently late. He's on medications for about a thousand things, and you can really tell he's got problems. I'm not trying to insult him for his conditions, because I know I have some of them too, but he needs to stop taking them all out on us.
    Today after I came home, I realized that I don't think he knows I'm 16. He says things to me that sound identical to those he said when I was 8 or 9. I know he thinks he's funny, but you know what, they really sound immature. It's rather odd calling your 55 year old father immature, but seriously, it's the only word that could describe it. He talks slowly and deliberately around me (and other people, as I'm noticing at ever-increasing rates), and it really pisses me off. It takes 10 minutes to finish a conversation I could take care of with just about anyone else in about 2 minutes.
    Basically, most of the things he does just drive me (and my mother) insane.

    4. Not everything in life is worth stressing over. Ha, never thought I'd make that conclusion, did you? Well, I did. I discovered that I have to take control of what I can and prioritize, and the things I can't control can't be my problem. I can't be pessimistic all the time either. If I always worry about the bad things that could happen, I'll never be excited for the good things. And, if I let the "what if's" control my future, I can't concentrate on the present. A lot of life can pass by if you're not paying close enough attention.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to stop once in awhile, take a deep breath, and just calm down. Sure, I have about a thousand things to be doing at all times, but that doesn't mean I have to go insane because of it. All I have to do is sit down, and say "Okay, I have to do this, this, and this by then... and I can do this now and this later..." and my entire life could become that much easier. I'm a junior in high school - this really isn't the time to be worrying about anything besides my education. Okay, so yeah, I have to concentrate on my music and my shooting, but those are givens that come with school. As long as I can balance them with my schoolwork, then everything will turn out alright.

    So here I sit, listening to music and working on my US History project. I've been putting it off forever, and I really have to kick it into gear if I want a chance at finishing it before Thursday. Joe's coming over, but he'll play Rock Band or watch TV while I work. Just being together is enough to make both of us happy.

    If I think of any other conclusions, I'll be sure to let you know. Y'know, because there's anyone out there in the world reading this.

    Hey, I can hope, can't I?

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

  • Currently Listening
    The Flame in All of Us
    By Thousand Foot Krutch
    My Home
    see related

    Pathetic.

    I hate how my life operates. Seriously, I have one day without someone to hang out with and I don't know what to do with myself. How is it that I've become so co-dependent on others? I used to be the best person when I was left to my own devices. Now, you give me an hour without someone to talk to and I'm lost. This is just beyond terrible. Well, I guess I could be doing something productive... practicing bass or recorder, reading for the essay due Monday, starting my weekly US assignment... nah, that would make way too much sense.

    Well, now that I think about it, I've got a concert to prepare a recorder song for tomorrow, and bass lessons 9th period that I'm not prepared for. I guess that should motivate me somewhat to go play either instrument... but no. I can't do it. Not when I've got 23 gigs of music at my disposal on my own computer that I finally got back a few days ago. Not to mention the Rock Band 2 kit sitting over there next to my 360... so many distractions.

    I'm downloading a program to help me learn guitar songs... yeah, I'm willing to practice the only instrument I don't have to perform on tomorrow. That's typical, isn't it? Only wanting to do what won't benefit you in the end. Yeah, story of my life. Sometimes I wish words would just jump out of this computer and scream at me to do something beneficial with my time. Maybe it could stop working until it saw that I had nothing better to be working on...

    No, wait. I shouldn't say that. Wish it and I shall receive. Okay, the last thing I want is for this thing to cease operation - again. For the millionth time. Okay, only fourth, but still... besides the point.

    I can't believe I've just typed another essay on this site... only to have what? No one read it once again. I guess sometimes it's good to get your thoughts out somewhere that can't talk back to you. Or maybe the talking back is the part most enjoyed out of sharing experiences... eh, who knows. I'm getting all philosophical and I"m confusing myself in the process. After two days of the stomach bug, I think I'm entitled to thinking irrationally, at least for a little while.

    I'm not sure what it is, but something's compelling me to continue typing. Maybe it's the fact that this is a clear distraction from everything I should be doing... and maybe it's causing me to forget that my mom's about to kill me for not practicing my bass. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just on a good typing day, where the words just seem to flow effortlessly from some unconscious part of me. Yeah, I think it's the second one.

    Man, I should be a poet. Or a lyricist. Or something else that requires a half decent writing ability. Nah, on second thought, I couldn't handle that. That's why I gave up my whole graphic design career idea. I hate restrictions on creativity. If I want to design something, then goddammit, I'm gonna design it. I don't want to be told I need red here, or a circle here, or no blue here - no. If I want it there, I'm putting it there. I don't want my paycheck to be influenced by my hatred of a certain color on a given day.

    That's why I'm going into computers instead. I'm not sure if I'm headed towards hardware or software specializing, but I'll decide that soon enough. Now, you may be saying, "Doesn't that have a lot more restrictions than graphic designing?" Well, yeah it does. But they're not the same kind of restrictions. It's okay to tell me that this component goes here or the computer ain't gonna work. That makes logical sense. In fact, it's the kind of guideline that really helps me in the long run. Now, being told not to use green in a tree... I don't know if I could handle that.

    So what's my back-up plan? Music, of course. Music theory would be a great major. It's already my planned minor. Then again, there are the people that say music can't be a back-up plan. It's all or nothing, and nothing in between. I agree to an extent, but it's not like I plan on getting into Ithaca or Capital or some other major music school. That's not my goal. I just want to keep playing my instrument(s) for as long as humanly possible, while learning some theory on the way. I'd love to be able to better understand why a composer put a sharp where he did, or what makes a minor fifth a minor fifth.

    That's a core part of my being - knowing "why." I constantly question reasoning for things, whether I should be or not. I think I'm an overly curious person, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. I try and know everything physically possible about a certain situation, just because it's somewhat interesting. That doesn't include schoolwork, unfortunately. Honestly, I couldn't care less about Hamilton's Economic Plan or why he tried to use it. Eh, I guess it's hard to explain... but I assume someone out there understands what I mean. 

    Christ, I've written a lot. I'm looking through my music library for something loud to sing along with before going to practice my bass. In a library of over 4000 songs, it's much harder that you'd think. I'd love to come across something Alesana, Chiodos, Silverstein, or Escape the Fate, because I get to see them in concert on the 10th. I'm so excited, mostly because it's my excuse to throw Joe in a mosh pit and see how he fares. Last time I was in Alesana's pit, I almost ended up with a concussion. Knowing Joe, he'll fear for my life and not let me mosh either. Yeah, right. That'll be the day. Especially if Scotty decides to come... he's my mosh buddy. When you're a girl, you need a few of those. Or else, well, you'll end up severely injured. Lucky for me, I'm a bigger person and I've built up my strength. I should be able to stay alive...

    Jesus, I'm killing my computer. It insists on changing its internal time every time I reboot. Right now it's an hour fast, yesterday it was an hour too slow. It's not 8:34... thankfully. I was about to spaz out thinking I'd wasted my whole night on here. Judging by the looks of this entry... it seems like I could have. Thank God I'm such a fast typer. But seriously, in this time, I could've typed my whole US assignment or read the rest of my book for the English assignment. Well, maybe. I hate the book so much, I probably would have thrown it at the wall by now. Seeing as I've given myself almost no time to read it... I guess I'll have to press through it. I think I'm just gonna rant about how much I hated it on the essay.

    Mmm... Ten Thousand Fists by Disturbed just came on. I guess I'm stuck here for another 3 minutes at least... this is not a song I'm missing. I had the intentions of listening to two Thousand Foot Krutch songs, but after typing "Thousand" in the search box, I forgot it would give my the entire Ten Thousand Fists album as well.

    Speaking of music, I'm finally getting around to installing that guitar program. It's wonderful how distracted I can get by my ranting... oh God. Now that I'm installing this thing, I'm going to feel compelled to use it. Great. Well, okay, my guitar's on the other side of the room and my laziness says I'm not going to go get it. If I'm getting up, I'm going to go all the way upstairs and just play my bass.

    Okay. Last song. I'm posting while it's playing so I don't feel the need to search for another to listen to.

    I may post later depending on my boredom level.

    Ugh, my life is pathetic.

    -sigh-

Monday, 06 October 2008

  • Sometimes I wonder...

    ...why I even bother to try and keep this thing remotely updated. It's quite a lost cause, really. I guess it's more for my own enjoyment than anything else. Seriously, no one ever reads it. But I guess that's not my purpose for writing. See, here I go again explaining myself to my non-existent audience. Eh, I can't see how it's a bad thing.

    So much has changed since the last time I wrote... I haven't even read my previous log and I can tell you that. I believe my last log was during the Ben-era, which is a time of my life I'd rather not think about. Basically, that was a relationship doomed to fail from the start. I still can't believe I started it to begin with... eh, we don't talk about that anymore. It was just one of those things you've gotta do just to prove how stupid it was to do it. If that made any sense whatsoever.

    Now I've progressed to *gasp* another boy named Joe! But this one's not a failure! Yeah, I'm not kidding. I finally found someone who really isn't a failure at life. He's 18 with a car and a full-time job. He's a super senior, but he's still attending high school and plans to graduate with a diploma. He's way too sweet and caring... like honestly, I was thinking about it yesterday. I don't deserve him. Really. He's too nice for me. I call him a dumbass every five seconds for one reason or another (I'm kidding of course, but still), and he just kinda takes it. I complain about every single detail of my life, and he doesn't seem to think I talk too much. Now that's hard to believe.

    Actually, it's all his fault I'm writing right now. Well, in a way at least. He picked me up for school this morning and pulled a 5.25 page paper out of his bag and told me that was what he did at work. (Oh yeah, forgot to mention, he worked third shift for the first time last night. 11 pm to 7 am.), to which I replied, "Seriously?" He told me it was a total rant on life, and that no one was to read it, even me. It made me wonder the nature of those words, but when he told me the first paragraph said he missed me, I felt better. He said he complained about my mom though... that made me laugh. So what does that have to do with me writing? Well, it reminded me that I used to rant about things on here. It sounded like a good way to kill some time until Joe gets out of Tae Kwon Do and gets over here. Yay, as if on cue, I get a txt saying he's out of TKD. Fantastic.

    Anyway, I'm talking to one of my friends via AIM that I haven't seen in awhile, and it's making me think. She wants to know how much people have changed in the three years since she's seen most of them. It's really making me consider things. How much have I changed? Would I be perceived as different by someone I haven't seen in years? Most likely. Seriously, everyone in my younger years thought I'd be a tomboy for life, and a "good child" that would do no wrong. Ha! Funny! I've smoked pot, gotten pulled over by the cops while lying severely to my parents, and had sex multiple times. Good child? I think not.

    I betcha there are some people I see on a daily basis that still don't understand that about me. That will never understand that about me. There's always a layer of us that some are just never meant to see. That is, unless we're willing to reveal it to them. Like Angela. Angela is my other half. She's my best friend, my sister, and my life outside of music and my boyfriend. She knows literally EVERYTHING there is to know about me. Like, there isn't one thing I haven't told her. And I'm pretty sure she can say the same for me.

    Well, I have plans to continue this rant later. Angela just reminded me that I've got signs to make for a practice room decorating contest in band that we have to announce tomorrow. We're president (her) and vice president (me) of Band Council, so everything in that room becomes our problem. Not that we mind or anything... we'd do anything for Mr. "Ip" Aguglia, our band director / slave-driver. Yes, he called us slaves over the summer at my dad's request and we responded.

    So, till later. =)



SaintJimmy133

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    • Name: Sarah
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 6/22/2007

About Me

  • Too much to fit in one little line... I'm more interesting than that, really.

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